Responding to the Ex’s Ridiculous Accusations — stepmomhelp.com

REPOST from Jenna Korf. This is an excellent short video… If you are feeling like you’re constantly defending yourself and/or your family, please give this a listen!

“Be really confident in your household that you’re doing the right thing… that you’re parenting together…”

Do not engage! “Ignore! Ignore! Ignore! Block! Block! Block!”

Enjoy! 🙂 (Link below!)

Stepmoms spend a lot of time feeling controlled by the ex because they waste a lot of time responding to ridiculous accusations. Continue reading →

via Responding to the Ex’s Ridiculous Accusations — stepmomhelp.com

Protecting the Newbies

I’ve felt a strange amount of loyalty lately to an unexpected group of people… I feel this loyalty to BM’s new boyfriend and his family.

Let me explain.

Since BM got a new boyfriend about 6-weeks ago, things have seemed to progress at a rapid pace. The girls immediately met him and his whole family, and spend a lot of time with them. He lives with his parents and sister, so I’m assuming that the girls spend most, if not all, of the time they’re with BM, with him and his family as well.

The rapid progression has my husband, his parents, and myself a little concerned. Despite the fact that I think things are moving a little too quick, I am feeling a strange loyalty to this boyfriend and his family in the sense of, I don’t want us to have negative feelings about them!

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Whether or not BM settles down and marries this guy, or another guy, I know my husband is going to have a huge issue with the girls having “another Daddy.” Which I do understand… I think this is a “normal” hurdle my husband will emotionally have to face. But he has no issues with the girls having “another Mommy” in me, their Stepmom. If I can be a “second Mommy” for them, we must accept her next husband as a “second Daddy”… am I right?!

And my Mother-in-Law (MIL)… *Backstory* This weekend, my MIL noticed that the boyfriend’s mom has the girls in her Facebook default picture… just her and the girls. You read that right- this lady put her son’s girlfriend’s [of 6-weeks] daughters in her Facebook default picture. I think it’s odd too, but my MIL went off about it. Last night she said to me, “I’m going to look [SD4] in the face and tell her that she’s not her Mimi, I’m her Mimi! I’m going to tell her that she can’t love her like I can because I’m her Mimi!”

As a Stepmom, I literally just stared at her in response. When she said that, what I heard was, “You can’t love them like their Mom loves them because you’re not their Mom.”

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I understand jealousy– trust me- but come on! Over the years, I’ve gained this hyper-awareness and hypersensitivity to people who either come across hypocritical, or just rude when talking about my blended family.

And I know, my girl brain may be getting the best of me here. But we need to look at the facts… you cannot fully accept me as the girls family, and not fully accept the step-family on the other side of the fence. You cannot say I’m a great Mom, but then not give this guy a chance to be a great Dad.

And I know, this guy and this family may not last, but I really think we need to start choosing our words and our mindsets wisely now. We will be far better suited in the long run to embrace these people and continue to set a good example for the girls.

So this is my PSA for everyone who is in, or knows of, or ever meets, a blended family. Choose your words wisely. Think about the big picture before you speak. Think about what you can control versus what you cannot control, and act accordingly. Practice what you preach.

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And know that everyone makes mistakes… you can’t get this 100% right on your first attempt… but progressing your mindset is far better than remaining hypocritical, or remaining and poor role model. The sooner in “the process” of having another family added to the mix we can all get on board, the smoother the overall transition will go. Trust me, resistance is nothing but negative in the long haul.

Hang in there, Stepmama’s!

Mother’s Day Recap

Well, well, well…

What a long few weeks it has been! Things have been pretty crazy at work (different post for a different day), and I haven’t had a chance to see my therapist (i.e. this keyboard).

The first thing I want to write about and process is Mother’s Day. We’re about 9 days past Mother’s Day, but after the way I left you in the last post, I felt like a recap was necessary.

Mother’s Day, as expected, was a normal day for me and my husband. We drove about an hour away and spent most of the day fishing in new places. We ended the evening with dinner at our favorite spot from the town I lived in when we were long-distance. He did tell me “Happy Mother’s Day,” which was totally not necessary, but appreciated.

The girls were so sweet surrounding Mother’s Day. The two-year old (SD2) painted me a plate at school with her little handprint looking like a flower, and at the top was written, “Love Grows Here.” The back of the plate said, “Mother’s Day 2017.” She gave it to me the Thursday evening before Mother’s Day and obviously, I was shocked! It meant the world to me, and she was so excited to give it to me. When I dropped her off at school the next morning, I thanked her teacher for thinking of me. She replied that she is also a stepmom, and she “gets it.” She also went on to say how excited SD2 was to paint both me and BM a plate, and how she was very particular about what color handprint I had versus what color handprint BM got. That sounded just like my baby…

The evening before Mother’s Day, the girls gave me a card my husband had helped them to purchase. It was a surprise that we even saw them that evening, so I’m not sure how those logistics played out. The day after Mother’s Day, the four-year old (SD4) brought me a card she made at school with a little crafted heart inside, that read, “Mom, I love you to pieces!” She was so excited to give it to me! I love how big both of the girls hearts are, and how much they care about me and their Dad.

Mother’s Day, as with all holidays, is not about the gifts, but it was sweet to be recognized in those small ways. I can say that the time leading up to Mother’s Day was more dreadful than the actual day. I did not cry about the girls, or cry about my mom on Mother’s Day. In fact, I didn’t cry at all! It was a great day spent with my husband doing something we love to do. I have no complaints.

I am confident that over the years, things will become more routine and hopefully, I won’t overthink Mother’s Day as it approaches. I know there will always be certain voids in my heart, but overall I know that I have an amazing family in my husband and babies, and I will always be loved and supported through thick and thin.

Life is good, and I am a very blessed Stepmama!

Not Everything is Black & White

One thing that really grinds my gears are all of these “un-provable’s” … The things that we simply cannot prove in court. The things that we know are taking place, and we know shouldn’t be, but we cannot document to a fault.

Like the hygiene… ugh. The fact that BM doesn’t brush their teeth before school, or even brush their hair before school. The fact that she does not give them baths every night, and doesn’t even wash their hair every time they’re in the bathtub. The fact that she does not clean their ears or cut their nails.

How she puts them in clothes that are too small for them. How she forgets to give them their medicine after doctors visits. How she ignores a red butt for weeks, but will keep them both home if one of them coughs one time in the morning…

Unfortunately, a four year old telling you these things are happening will not stand up in court. Unfortunately, BM knows to only admit to her faults over the phone and not in writing. Unfortunately, we may be able to see the small clothes and the filth, but it doesn’t always translate through into pictures.

And then, there are the lifestyle differences. The things that each parents has legal rights to make decisions on with the joint legal and shared physical custody. Like the food… the fact that she is vegetarian and believes that a small container of beans, 5 different fruits, and a chocolate dipped coconut bar is an acceptable lunch for a 2 and 4 year old. The fact that she keeps them out late, puts them to bed late, and gets them to preschool late. The fact that she will let them wear flats with no socks in the snow, but send them in long sleeves and tall socks with pants in 80 degree weather.

More than the un-provable’s and the lifestyle differences, I cannot stand the projection. How she will call and harass us about not taking care of them, not feeding them right, not dressing them right. How she has the nerve to call us bad parents.

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That her anger towards my husband has severely impacted her ability to reason, and that it is steadily taking a toll on the girls. [Then of course, she is constantly telling him that he is unreasonable… Classic projection.]

When you document every email, text message, and phone call, but you’re worried it’s not enough. When you’re constantly worrying about what manipulative play BM has up her sleeve. This shouldn’t be how joint legal and shared physical custody works. This should be smooth.

When all you want is to petition the court to make adjustments to the custody agreement, but you have no idea what lies she’s told, or who she’s convinced they’re true. It’s scary, and it’s frustrating, and it’s truly unfair.

Not everything is black and white…

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