No Surprise Here

As I lay here wide awake over an hour after going to bed, my thoughts have overcome me.

First thought- why didn’t I take my sleep medicine?! Is it too late now? *the struggle*

Second, my husband and I had a brief talk about “kids” before he so luckily fell right to sleep. It was a nice conversation, but in it, he reminded me that I knew what I was signing up for when I started dating him, and subsequently married him. There were no surprises here. I knew he couldn’t have more kids. But I think what tonight’s brief conversation brought to light was that he really doesn’t want anymore.

I knew he couldn’t have kids, but I figured once we had been together a while, got married, etc. he would want to have kids with me. Seriously… he is Super Dad… so why wouldn’t he want to have a family with me? Come on, one more kid wouldn’t add too much crazy to the mix, now would it?! In my heart, I always thought we would find a way to make it happen. 

Anyway, early on, I really did believe I would be okay with only having my two stepdaughters… but nothing could have braced me for how painful the reality of it is now that we’re married, and I’m living through the crazy day after day. I’m constantly reminded by music, social media, friends, colleagues, my stepkids, my in-law’s, etc. that I am just a stepmom. 

I don’t even know why the word “mom” is incorporated into this title, because other than myself and my husband, no one sees me as a mother of any kind… not even my stepkids. And of course, I can’t take it out on the kids… they are so young. They can’t even begin to grasp the concept of our blended family. But it’s hard when all day you’re reminded of how you’re not a mom, then you come home and your SD4 starts telling a story by saying “Hey, Ashley… when I was with my mom… not you, my REAL mom…” Like, obviously you’re not talking about me or I would already know this story, right? *I digress*

It’s going to be a long road of processing exactly why my husband doesn’t want a family with me. To some degree I get it… in his eyes, he has his perfect kids and his perfect wife, so he has the perfect family! But there is just no way for me to explain to him the desire I have to truly be a mom. I hate to gender stereotype, but really, this is an urge in [most] women that [most] men can’t even begin to comprehend.

Before I began writing this, I prayed that I would find peace in this and not resent my husband for this in the future. I knew I was coming into an already-made family. I knew I would be the odd man out forever. I knew that… again, no surprises here. 

And my husband is so good to me. He is exactly the type of man I dreamt I would spend the rest of my life with. So I can’t let something like his weigh me down forever, especially since we are so blessed to have two amazing kids. 

So what do I do? How do I convince myself that I am actually a part of this family? Will it just take time? Or should I consider this an unrealistic expectation and just brace now for the fact that I will always be an outsider?

I don’t think this is one I’ll be able to work through and answer in a few blog posts… check back with me in 40 years and I’ll let you know how it’s all played out. 

Goodnight, friends.

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Five Things: TV Edition

Happy Monday, Folks!

My husband and I somehow manage to watch a lot of TV shows in the little downtime we have… I also manage to squeeze in some shows of my own while he’s working. A lot is going on in TV life, so I’m writing this weeks Five Things about some of our less-known favorites currently running for people looking for suggestions…

ONE: Chrisley Knows Best– USA. Y’all, if you haven’t seen this show, it’s a must. They’re currently between seasons, but Season 5 premieres on February 21, 2017, and you can catch up in the meantime on the USA website. This is about a reality show about a blended family from Atlanta, GA (later moves to Nashville, TN) with the wildest Dad imaginable. Todd Chrisley is basically a fashionista-entrepreneur who tells it like it is, expects nothing but the best from his kids, and doesn’t take any shit from anyone. (Thank God he has his wife Julie to keep him in line!) My husband and I laugh into tears through every episode, all while taking notes of how we can torture discipline our kids when they’re older. Y’all seriously, go binge away right now!

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TWO: Lethal Weapon– FOX. This show comes on Wednesday’s at 8pm  and is currently towards the end of Season 2. This is about two detectives who are an unlikely duo fighting crime in LA. This is definitely my husbands favorite TV show and we laugh the entire time we watch it. Martin Riggs is absolutely insane in every way, but has a soft spot that keeps the ladies intrigued. Roger Murtaugh is a classic Type-A rule follower who has a heart condition and also a kick-ass lawyer wife. If you’re looking for action + comedy, this is for you.

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THREE: Jane the Virgin– CW. This show comes on Monday’s at 9pm and is in the middle of Season 3… and had the biggest and most devastating twist in this weeks episode. This telenovela-inspired comedy revolved around Jane Villanueva, a virgin who is accidentally artificially inseminated with her boss’ sperm in the first episode. This show will have you laughing, crying, and on the edge of your seat every episode, and has the best cast ever. I think Jane the Virgin is seriously underrated and if you’re looking for drama, comedy, and suspense, you need to catch up on this show!

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FOUR: Nashville– CMT. Nashville airs Thursday’s at 9pm and is in Season 5. This show was cancelled by ABC after Season 4, then picked up by CMT for this season and WOW has CMT done an amazing job refreshing it! In addition to incredible music and two of the most bad-ass women in Hollywood as main characters (Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere), Nashville is another show that has me on the edge of my seat and crying and/or really mad every episode. This is not a comedy- definitely a drama (This is one I watch without my husband). If you love country music, relationship drama, and blended families, this one’s for you.

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FIVE: Hunted– CBS. This is a new show in its first season, and my husband and I are hooked! This is a reality show tracking 12 teams (pairs) who are “on the run” from law enforcement. They are being tracked by former FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, etc. directors and officials and if they make it 28 days without being captured, they win $250,000.00. It is crazy to see the technology that people have access to in order to find criminals, and it’s also wild to see how far the teams will go to evade capture. I’m probably not doing this show justice in my explanation but it’s only a handful of episodes in, so you have plenty of time to catch up and see for yourself!

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Y’all as embarrassing as this is to say, it was hard to narrow this down to 5 shows. Honorable Mention goes out to Grey’s Anatomy- ABC (oldie but a goodie), The Fosters- Freeform, Superstore- NBC, The Good Place- NBC, and This is Us- NBC. And I could probably write about a million more. No judgement, please.

So what shows are you watching? Have any suggestions for me?