I’ve been piecing this post together for months… Just as I’ve been dreading this holiday for months…
I’ve never experienced pain the way that I feel when thinking about being a motherless, childless stepmom on Mother’s Day.
I’ve hated Mother’s Day ever since 2003. My “Mumma” (my grandma who raised me as her own) passed away in March 2003… I was 12 years old. That Mother’s Day was rough for me. As the years passed, I relied more and more on the fact that one day, I would be a mother, and then the day would have meaning again. I would have kids that through thick and thin, would be there for me. Kids who would be doing life every day with me. I knew I would be a great mom. Ever since 2003, I’ve known that was the goal.
Flash forward to Mother’s Day 2017, which will be here Sunday. I am a stepmom [and I love my stepkids]. But I am what they call a “childless-stepmom,” meaning, I have no biological children. A motherless-childless-stepmom on Mother’s Day. Great. I won’t even get to see or speak to my babies on Mother’s Day.
What hurts the most is when I see posts from men talking about how seeing their wife carry and give birth to their child was this awe-inspiring event. When they say things like, “I thought I loved her before, but I had no idea how much I loved her until I saw her give birth to our child.”
I’m not just a motherless-childless-stepmom this Mother’s Day… that is all I will ever amount to. I will never have biological kids due to my husband’s vasectomy. My Mother’s Day’s will always be painful… they will always be a reminder that my mother is gone, and a reminder that my kids are “just” my stepkids. A reminder that their BM got to carry them and plan for them with my husband. With my prince charming. My better half, not hers. Mother’s Day will always remind me that when I’m old and gray, if my husband passes away before me, no one will be there to take care of me. I’ll be alone. Mother’s Day will always remind me that I will never get to look at my child and wonder if it looks more like me or my husband.
My husband… *swoon*… prior to reading this post, will probably not have any idea that I’m dreading Mother’s Day… How could he? He has great parents, and his Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are nothing but positive. But how can he love me knowing that I’ll never give him a child? Literally every dad out there will tell you, “I thought I loved her before, but I had no idea how much I loved her until I saw her give birth to our child.” He will never have that with me. He had those feelings with someone else. What can I ever do to push his love for me over the edge like that?! Nothing. I guess he instinctively will have mediocre love for me forever, without even realizing it.
And me… Mother’s Day… ugh. Will I ever even know true love? Another thing parents always say is, “I never knew love until I had my child.” So are the rest of us just fake-in-love? Do I even know what love is? How can I even show my stepdaughters love if I don’t know what love is? One of our good family friends literally looked me in the face recently and said, “You can never love your stepkids the way you love your biological kids. You don’t get it because you don’t have kids.” Will Mother’s Day always just be me constantly revisiting this conversation? When I think about it, it’s so draining.
I have a lot of feelings surrounding this topic… I swear, I could write a novel. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to dwell on the things that are out of my control. I know normally I try to wrap my posts up with positivity, but for this one, it’s all pain. I can’t tie a pretty pink bow on this one, or smile as I write it. This is real, raw emotion.
What I can say positive is that my husband is awesome. And the fact that he had a vasectomy was never a surprise. And I know if he could take the pain I feel towards this day away, he would. He will, actually. I definitely won’t be sitting around the house lonely and depressed on Sunday. We will be together and do life like we do every day… which I should mention, every day with him is pretty amazing. He shows me love every day that is far beyond “mediocre love.” So I don’t know what I did to deserve that, but it’s pretty great. And our girls are the best. They truly are my whole world, even though I apparently “can’t love them like my own.”
I am hoping that next year, I can reflect on this post, and see that I’m in a better place. I’m hoping that each year, this gets a little easier. I know this will always be a huge void in my life. I know that I will always have huge insecurities with my husband because I cannot have a child with him, and I know I will always resent BM for having those moments with him. I know myself, and I know this will always be tough. But I’m hoping that as the years progress, my hateful feelings can shift perspective. Sometimes all we need is a new perspective. It’s all in God’s plan and God’s timing. I am faithful.