Not Everything is Black & White

One thing that really grinds my gears are all of these “un-provable’s” … The things that we simply cannot prove in court. The things that we know are taking place, and we know shouldn’t be, but we cannot document to a fault.

Like the hygiene… ugh. The fact that BM doesn’t brush their teeth before school, or even brush their hair before school. The fact that she does not give them baths every night, and doesn’t even wash their hair every time they’re in the bathtub. The fact that she does not clean their ears or cut their nails.

How she puts them in clothes that are too small for them. How she forgets to give them their medicine after doctors visits. How she ignores a red butt for weeks, but will keep them both home if one of them coughs one time in the morning…

Unfortunately, a four year old telling you these things are happening will not stand up in court. Unfortunately, BM knows to only admit to her faults over the phone and not in writing. Unfortunately, we may be able to see the small clothes and the filth, but it doesn’t always translate through into pictures.

And then, there are the lifestyle differences. The things that each parents has legal rights to make decisions on with the joint legal and shared physical custody. Like the food… the fact that she is vegetarian and believes that a small container of beans, 5 different fruits, and a chocolate dipped coconut bar is an acceptable lunch for a 2 and 4 year old. The fact that she keeps them out late, puts them to bed late, and gets them to preschool late. The fact that she will let them wear flats with no socks in the snow, but send them in long sleeves and tall socks with pants in 80 degree weather.

More than the un-provable’s and the lifestyle differences, I cannot stand the projection. How she will call and harass us about not taking care of them, not feeding them right, not dressing them right. How she has the nerve to call us bad parents.


That her anger towards my husband has severely impacted her ability to reason, and that it is steadily taking a toll on the girls. [Then of course, she is constantly telling him that he is unreasonable… Classic projection.]

When you document every email, text message, and phone call, but you’re worried it’s not enough. When you’re constantly worrying about what manipulative play BM has up her sleeve. This shouldn’t be how joint legal and shared physical custody works. This should be smooth.

When all you want is to petition the court to make adjustments to the custody agreement, but you have no idea what lies she’s told, or who she’s convinced they’re true. It’s scary, and it’s frustrating, and it’s truly unfair.

Not everything is black and white…



3 thoughts on “Not Everything is Black & White”

  1. The other frustrating part is that even if proved these things you might get more custody of the girls but HCBM would still have custody and visitations. Unless she does something truly atrocious she won’t lose her girls. Just breath and focus on what you do have control over.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right! And honestly despite everything I wrote, we don’t ever want to take them from her completely. We just want a fair, even schedule, and we want to be on the same parenting page when it comes to the basics. I know we will never be able to control how she chooses to parent, but hopefully we can modify our custody agreement to have equal time with the girls! After all that’s what shared physical custody should be right?! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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