That’s how I feel lately regarding a lot of things. Well, mostly just one thing.
Before a custody agreement regarding our precious babies was in place, I used to crave it. I couldn’t wait for the day that we had an agreement. A “this is the schedule, deal with it” agreement. I almost didn’t care what the schedule was, as long as we had one. I am Type-A in a lot of ways, and this was one of them.
We didn’t have one of those civil, in-mediation type of agreements. My husband had to fight for what he has in court because BM wouldn’t agree to joint physical custody. She literally had nothing at all negative to show of him, so it truly was just a waste of money for everyone, solely because she was so angry at him for their divorce. Luckily, he was awarded joint legal & joint physical custody in court (obviously– because he is an outstanding father), and I thought we had got our big break. I was so relieved.
Never did I imagine how little the custody agreement would actually do for us. My husbands work schedule dramatically changed 4 months after the agreement was made, but BM refuses to split time more evenly without going all the way back through the process… back to court. I hate that threat… “Well, you’ll just have to take me back to court!” Oh, I could get sick right here thinking about that. There is so much room for interpretation in the custody agreement, and some of it does not even make sense whatsoever with his now “regular” work schedule. “The parties are to split time evenly” and “The father has 10 overnights a month” are a huge point of conflict for us.
When will she let go of this anger? She is hurting the kids… but does she realize that?! I want to show her grace, but she makes it so difficult.
I write this from a place of hurt, a place of powerlessness. I’m trying my hardest to stay strong for my husband, because I am here to take on this burden with him, not to cause him more stress. But where is my breaking point?! I don’t ever want to have to find out. I refuse to give her that satisfaction.
She never gets in the way of our relationship, and I am so proud of that. But it kills me to not have the girls even time. It devastates me to see my husband hurt so bad, and for all of this to be out of our control unless we spend another $3,000+ on a lawyer. The system is broken. I feel helpless. I feel powerless. As a fixer, there is no worse position to be in.
My husband is so comforting. He reminds me that she has no power greater than he does. He reminds me that getting worked up is exactly what she wants, and to never give her that satisfaction. He keeps me grounded, he keeps me sane. He keeps me focused… Eyes on the prize!
To those of you feeling powerless- about anything- know you’re not alone. We will make it through, and we will come out victorious! The power of positive thinking is incredible, so let’s will ourselves to think positive together. Life is messy… that was never a surprise. This too shall pass.